so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
