# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
