He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
