we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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