I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've blown a few things in my day
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
