4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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