You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
