well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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