dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
