You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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