dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
