well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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