If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
