So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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