worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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