it's too hot outside to masturbate.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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