before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize