Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
