he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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