I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
