You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i believe in u and ur pee
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
