"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
