M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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