i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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