Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
