You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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