She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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