Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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