Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
