I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
