"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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