I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
