You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
