zippers are such a cool invention
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
