would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
