This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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