Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You need Xanax blowdarts
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
