I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
