made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
