Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
