I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
