I just saw a hot homeless man
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
