he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
