I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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