shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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