god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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