I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
