you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
