just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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