I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize