I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize