you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
