just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
