My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
