no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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