apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
