woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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