i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
