If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
