it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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