last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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