I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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