I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize