I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
there is puke in my bra ... again
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